June wasn't that long ago, but it seems like a million miles away. So much has changed. I've changed. I'm 25 now - a whole new age bracket. It's starting to feel like the race is on - the race to start my real life. 25 has brought so many things already. Starting with what I've been trying to do for the last 5 years. I lost 60 pounds. That's a small child! It's wonderful, but it is a hard adjustment. Confidence comes from inside, and even minus all the weight, being secure in myself is something I need to work on.
True to what I had always believed, after I dropped the first 25 pounds, I meet an amazing guy. Well, re-meet. He made my heart beat again. Every song on the radio was about us, love stories made me smile instead of cry, and it was rare to see me without a smile on my face. All I could think was FINALLY, I know what love feels like. So I thought. Very few things last forever - including what I would have to consider my first real relationship. It turns out, losing 60 pounds won't keep the guy you're in love with from dating someone else at the same time. Heartbreak hurts. I've experienced a lot of pain and devastating loss, but that kind of pain... well it is something entirely different. Letting go is hard, but I can't change anything, so letting go is exactly what I have to do. But now.... now I can start my life as a different person. I'm not that fat girl anymore, and I finally realize I don't - and never did - deserve to be walked all over.
I've been doing an excellent job at keeping my head up and trying to keep a smile on my face, but the next few weeks are going to be hard. January 30th marks 2 years since I lost an amazing man who raised me as his own, even though I wasn't. 2 years... I can't believe he has been gone that long. He always thought I was beautiful and I wish he could see me now. I wish he could watch me get my diploma, start my first real job, fall in love, get married, have kids... I just wish he was here. There are so many things I would say to him, so much to tell him. He would be turning 53 on February 10th.... he should have made it to 93. But, as I continue to learn in many different ways, life just isn't fair. People who shouldn't live do, and people who shouldn't die do. Sometimes the world is cruel.... but I am going to survive by always looking for the good and beautiful parts. They are there, and they are worth the wait.
No comments:
Post a Comment