Wow. 2 years.

2 years tomorrow. People lie, by the way. Time doesn't heal. It might make the hurt fade away or get covered by something else, but its always there. That pain... well it never stops. Since I know I won't have the heart to do this tomorrow, a few quick words on my dad.

He was incredible. Smart, kind, caring, so generous, loving.... the kind of father everyone should have. He married my mom when I was a young 6 years old. And was dad to me from day one. He never treated me or my brother any differently than the two children he had with my mom. Always fair, always making sure all was equal. Probably hard to do with 4 kids.

I have a lot of regrets. I was a truly horrid teenager and was not very nice to him. Just when he got sick, we were finally starting to develop a real, adult relationship. I loved to talk politics with him. We agreed on so much and he was so open-minded about what we didn't. He loved to hear about school, and actually cared what was going on with my friends and in my social life. I wish I had gotten more time. Time to show him how much I loved him. How much I appreciated everything he did for me. How important he was to me.

I cried for him for the first time in a while today. For my mom and my baby brothers. For me. For our loss. For the fact that he will never get to see the woman I am becoming. The woman that he helped me become, every step of the way.

I am not a religious person, but I have to believe that he is somewhere watching me and my family. Instead of praying to "God", I like to talk to my dad. It's comforting. I feel his presence when I do and it never fails to calm me down.

So, thank you dad. Thank you for everything you did for me and all the love you gave to me. I wouldn't be me if I hadn't had you. I sure hope he needed you up there, because we could have really used you down here. I miss you everyday.

I love you.

How things have changed....

I almost forgot about this little blog. (Thanks B!)

June wasn't that long ago, but it seems like a million miles away. So much has changed. I've changed. I'm 25 now - a whole new age bracket. It's starting to feel like the race is on - the race to start my real life. 25 has brought so many things already. Starting with what I've been trying to do for the last 5 years. I lost 60 pounds. That's a small child! It's wonderful, but it is a hard adjustment. Confidence comes from inside, and even minus all the weight, being secure in myself is something I need to work on.

True to what I had always believed, after I dropped the first 25 pounds, I meet an amazing guy. Well, re-meet. He made my heart beat again. Every song on the radio was about us, love stories made me smile instead of cry, and it was rare to see me without a smile on my face. All I could think was FINALLY, I know what love feels like. So I thought. Very few things last forever - including what I would have to consider my first real relationship. It turns out, losing 60 pounds won't keep the guy you're in love with from dating someone else at the same time. Heartbreak hurts. I've experienced a lot of pain and devastating loss, but that kind of pain... well it is something entirely different. Letting go is hard, but I can't change anything, so letting go is exactly what I have to do. But now.... now I can start my life as a different person. I'm not that fat girl anymore, and I finally realize I don't - and never did - deserve to be walked all over.

I've been doing an excellent job at keeping my head up and trying to keep a smile on my face, but the next few weeks are going to be hard. January 30th marks 2 years since I lost an amazing man who raised me as his own, even though I wasn't. 2 years... I can't believe he has been gone that long. He always thought I was beautiful and I wish he could see me now. I wish he could watch me get my diploma, start my first real job, fall in love, get married, have kids... I just wish he was here. There are so many things I would say to him, so much to tell him. He would be turning 53 on February 10th.... he should have made it to 93. But, as I continue to learn in many different ways, life just isn't fair. People who shouldn't live do, and people who shouldn't die do. Sometimes the world is cruel.... but I am going to survive by always looking for the good and beautiful parts. They are there, and they are worth the wait.